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SIDELINE HOES
24 July 2009 @ 02:46 pm

I havent posted in awhile. But I just made a list of things I'd never have the guts to say to anyone's face.

01. I'm afraid to be alone.
02. I'll never stop loving him.
03. There are certain people I can't be myself around.
 04. I'm scared to death of being judged.
05. I know most of you secretly hate me. Please just tell me.
06. One person changed my life forever, but he also crushed me.
 07. I'm constantly feeling empty.
08. Most people get on my nerves.
09. I'm desperate to be loved.
10. All my life people have told me I'm not special, and I know it's true.
 11. You can do better than me.
12. I hooked up with 10 people while I was drunk.
13. I say I'm Christian, but I don't know if I believe in God anymore.
 14. I hate myself.
15. I need to move on.
16. People come to me with their problems, but I have no one to go to with mine.
 17. I act like I give a fuck about you, but really I only care about myself.
18. I broke up with a boyfriend because he told me he loved me, and then dated another guy who treated me like shit.
19. I wish people could understand who I am.
20 I don't like the person I've become.
21. I'll change myself just to be good enough for you.
 22. I envy the will power of anorexics.
23. I'm disgusting.
 24. Everyone should have just given up on me already.
25. Sometimes I pretend I'm lying with you at night.
26. I'm scared to death of being fake.
27. I don’t want to grow up.
 28. I lie about my age.
29. I still do simple math on my hands.
 30. One time, I almost OD'd on weight loss pills.
31. I wish I were still innocent.
32. I don't know when things got to be so complicated.
33. I wish this were just a dream.
34. I hate my body.
35. You ended it before we even really got started.
36. I fell for him, but he never fell for me.
37. I'm a sucker for smooth talkers.
38. I hardly fall in love, but when I do, I fall hard.
 39. Honestly, I could easily replace you.
40. I have trust issues.
41. I’m fighting for control, that I’ll break on a whim, because I’m only human.
 42. I use people to make myself feel better.
43. I’ll never find my true happiness.
44. Family is notorious shit.
45. To me, everyone is expendable.
 46. I don’t think your love is true.
 47. We use each other to make ourselves feel good.
 48. I’ve become exactly what I’ve never wanted to be.
 49. Sometimes I don’t know who I really anymore.
50. Please, lets just stop pretending to care.
51. We have emotions attached to each other; we’re just a one-night stand that keeps coming back.
52. Give me a chance to prove myself to you.
53. I lie to keep myself out of trouble.
54. I cheated my way through my entire eighth grade year.
55. I told you I liked you, but you said you didn’t want to date anyone. I waited, and then you dated someone else and not me. That hurt. I want to know why you did that to me.
 56. I’m terrified of not being real.
57. Naked men gross me out.
58. You don’t need someone like me around.
 59. I told you I liked you just to make you feel good, I was never that into you. But now that you’re gone, it kills me to see that you’ve moved on. I still really love you. 60. I need you so much.
 61. You’re one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever laid my eyes on, but we can never be together because you don’t want me.
 62. People say I’m sweet, the truth is they don’t know the real me.
 63. I lead people on because I want love so bad, but I am too self-conscious to commit.
 64. I still don’t feel any different after hooking up with you.
 65. I’m known as the outgoing carefree one, but I don’t act this way because I’m happy. I do it to make others happy.
66. I try so hard to please you.
 67. I love you so much, but don’t know how to tell you. When you told me you loved me, it scared me and I didn’t understand it. Now that I do, I wish I had known it sooner so I could say it back.
68. I wasn’t cheating on you, but since you accused me… I did.
 69. People think I’m open, but the truth is, I hide things
70. I masturbate to feel good. I hook up with people to feel wanted. The only reason I whore myself out is to feel some sense of affection and I hate myself for that.
 71. I cried when you said you didn’t want me.
72. I used to have phonesex with a boy I only met once every night before I went to bed for almost a month straight.
73. We were talking about oral sex really loudly at the park, just because we didn’t care what people thought.
74. I only stayed with you as long as I did because I was afraid no one else would want me.
75. I know I should move on, but I’m afraid to fall in love with anyone else.
76. You’re fake.
 77. I considered fucking you to make you want me back, but I realized that’s too tacky and you wouldn’t want me anyway.
78. I heard you weren’t really interested in me to begin with, but I can’t bring myself to believe it.
79. The fact that you ended it hasn’t really sunk it yet.
80. You made me feel like I could do anything I’ve ever dreamed.
81. I put myself in bad situations, only because I hope you’d come to my rescue.
 82. I want to hurt you as badly as you hurt me, but I know I’d want to fix you if you were broken.
83. I’m damaged goods.
84. Knowing that I never meant anything to you hasn’t fazed me yet.
 85. I’m scared that once I meet you, you’ll see how ugly I am.
86. I don’t want to die alone.
 87. I’m still afraid of the dark.
88. I hug my pillow at night wishing it were you.
89. I’m scared to death of getting raped, although I know no one would want to touch me.
90. I changed who I am just to fit in.
91. I wasn't masturbating in your bed, only he was on the other end.
 
 
Current Mood: fuckingamazing
Current Music: Baysideeee
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
22 June 2009 @ 12:48 am

What's the best thing that happened to you this past week?


View 505 Answers

I almost got the love of my life back.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
09 April 2009 @ 08:22 pm

If you were to have another name, what would it be?

Submitted By [info]crazyprotein


View 502 Answers

My name would be Debbie. This name would be mine, because my best friend's brother already calls me this. And I'm so used to being called it, I answer to it when people say it even if they aren't talking to me.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
05 April 2009 @ 12:26 am
Not being able to puge. And it sucks. I've been with friends a lot so i've been eating alot. And that means Im gainign weight becasue i cant pruge when im with friends. I guess I could wait until they fall asleep, but im too lazy to do that. Anyway, after im doine hanging out ima binge and purge. Then im running on our tredmil like super fast and for a long time. I've been stealing my mom's weight loss pills, but i dont want to take to much cos then it would be obvious. So i dunno what ima do. I'll probably end up fasting.

I'm talking to some guy on aim and he's as obsessed with weight and body image as i am. he just purged while i was talking to him. i sense a friendship coming. i think we're gonna be ED buddies.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
08 March 2009 @ 04:23 pm
I feel rediculous, it's as though I can't decide whether or not I want to stay lost or finally found. I'm content with where I am now, curled up in the darkness.  It's simply what I'm used to. The slightest hit of a potential rescure's flashlight sends me of scurring off in the other direction. I'm so mixed up about everything. I can't seem to make my mind up about anything.

Maybe I haven'y been found because no one's noticed I'm missing.

Some people have tried to find me this past year. They've tried to find me, but I wouldn't let them. They don't understand that you can't save someone who doesnt want to be saved. This never was an active choice so much as it was simply an accident that just happened.



I can't live the way I used to. I'm not the happy carfee child I once was. That person is gone. They're never coming back. She grew up and got lost in the big, bad world.

Life isn't beautiful. If it ever was, that was a long time ago. I just can't wait until my life ends.

I can't be the person I once was. I want to but i can't.

This is all probably because of my bulimia. I hate it, but at the same time I love it. It's a part of me now and it's here to stay.

I can't eat, just like a person with asthma can't breathe.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
05 March 2009 @ 03:36 pm


My stomach really hurts. I can't figure out why. It might be because of the ammount of weight loss pills I'm taking. I'm taking likeway over the dose that you're supposed to take.

I threw up blood two days ago when I was purging. My nose also started bleeding. The tightness in my chest concerned me a bit, and the way I couldn't seem to catch my breath was also a bit worrying, but at this point, I don't care anymore.

I don't really care about anything anymore.
 

 
 
Current Mood: fucked up
Current Music: Cobra Starship
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
02 March 2009 @ 10:33 pm
I'm going to over dose on weight loss pills. The box only said to take 3 in a 24hour period and I've taken 6 in 2 hours.



That is all.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
24 February 2009 @ 04:16 pm
I'm pretty much done with guys. After the whole Alex shit I've decided I'm done with guys. I has said that if I didn't find a guy soon that liked me and made me feel happy, safe, and made me want to live again I'm sticking to girls. I've always like girls more than guys, but I've never actually come out about it. I've hooked up with girls in the past, but that's only it. nothing more.

I'm done being bisexual. I'm going 100% lesbian. i'm going to come out and get a girlfriend. no more sneaking around about this shit behind my friends' backs. i'm going to do it all out in the open.

I talked to my friend about it and she took it really well. It may sound stupid but i gave a set date for the day I'm going lesbian. I'm going lesbian on March 12th. Guys can hook up with me/ ask me out before that day and I'd say yes. If I do get into a relationship with a guy before March 12th i'm going to continue to date him even after that day. But if I don't, I'm going to be completely done with guys. girls have always made me more happy, to be honest.

Courtney was the friend I told about it. She went and told Alex about it and he didnt understand what she meant by switching teams. He doesn't know I'm bi to begin with, so I guess the idea of me switching teams is a bit odd. but the thing with coming out is not very many people will be surprised. I went though a ton of people asking me  if I was gay already. So everyone is going to just think that their assumption was right. And to be honest, they were right all along. I like girls, and I always have. I'm done hiding it.

From this point on, I'm an open book.
 
 
Current Location: Office
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Katy Perry
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
23 February 2009 @ 05:41 pm
I really liked this guy named Alex. I liked him a lot. I thought he liked me too, but I guess I was wrong.
so on Saturday, a whole bunch of us were at Courtney's grandparent's place. Alex was there too. We were just hanging out and watching TV pretty much to pass time because there was a blizzard outside.
I was sitting on top of Alex. Sometime during one of the movies he started rubbing my back. I couldn't stop smiling. I was really happy. I thought he was finally going to ask me out. Then he grabbed my hand and started holding it. We were close the rest of the movie and we kept flirting the entire time. nycolle was sitting on the other couch watching us and he asked when he was going to ask me out. He wrote to her 'Before the night ends we're gonna be dating.'' Well. He never asked me. He said he would but he didnt.
Everyone has been saying we should date and even he agreed. Now, he doesn't agree. He says he doesnt wanna ruin our friendship. Fuck friendship. I don't wanna be friends, I want a relationship. Honestly, don't lead me on if you dont plan on dating me. It's not fair to me at all.
I'm really angry right now. My friends talked to him at school and he couldnt give a reason as to why he didnt wanna date me. I don't even know if I wanna date him anymore. This shit is just getting really annoying.

Also I'm purging again. I haven't purged in a month because I got really sick and I wasn't able to eat or make myself puke. Now I am 10lbs lighter and I'm still purging. I don't care if this could kill me. I'm depressed right now as it is. no one likes me so no one wants me around.
Anyway, I threw up tater tots, coke zero, and hot chocolate today. In some sick twisted way it made me really happy. I couldn't stop smiling. It's so bad that the only time I'm really happy is when I'm purging.

God, I hate my life.  I just really wish there would be someone to make me want to live again.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
25 January 2009 @ 02:26 pm
I took my SAT yesterday, it was actually really easy. Either it wasn't hard at all, or all the studying I did helped me with the test. All I can say is that I'm glad to have gotten that out of the way. It was really long though. I was there from 7:45am to 1:30pm. The kid sitting across from me was rly awkward. He kept making funny faces when he was checking over his work, he also had a pink pencil with hearts on it. I thought he was all typs of funny.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
20 January 2009 @ 10:22 pm
Since we had two snowdays last week my exams are getting moved from Wenesday and Thursday to Thrusday and Friday. It's not bad because i get another day to study, but I was going to skip Friday but now I can't. Oh well, shit happens I guess.

So Ryan is having people over again this friday. I was able to talk my mom into letting me go, but I have to study for my finals and my SAT everday this week if I'm going to go. I just can't wait to get my SATs over with. I want my fucking social life back. I miss being able to stay up all night without a car in the world. Now, my life is devoted to school, and exercise. So once I get this over with, things will go back to normal. So about Ryan's house, he wants a bunch of us to go over and watch movies and just hang out and shit. I'm really looking forward to it. i've never been to his house before and apparently he's invited me over in the past but I never showed up. I don't remember him ever inviting me. I guess my memory is that bad.

I ran 3.5 miles today. I could be doing better but I've been slacking off lately. I can't be fucked to run as fast as I can for as long as I can. I guess when track rolls around I'm going to try hard, but during the off season I dont give a fuck.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
17 January 2009 @ 12:22 am
I finally got some food up today! Fuck yeah. That was the highlight of my day. It was only salad, but still it was something. I was a smiling mess afterward. The badest things make me the most happy.

I talk to Nick on the phone today. That was okay. Basicly the conversation consisted of dirty words and inuendos. We talked aobut threesomes and the ultimate porno that he wants to make. It was pretty funny. Beofre I didn't really care for him too much, but now I actually kinda like him. He knows things aobut me no one else knows. I trust him a ton. Maybe we could actually be good friends one day. Who knows? Anyway, we talked for 2 1/2 hours. That has to mean something.

I was supossed to have Nykki come over but she bailed on me. since I wouldn't go see a shitty movie with her she wouldnt want to come over. She wanted to see Mall Cop and I couldn't be fucked to go see it. Since I dont have a car we would have to walk to the theatre. I'm not going to walk my ass to some movie that I dont want to see, int he cold weather. she threw a bitch fit like she usually does when she cant have her way and didnt come over. What the fuck ever. Like i care.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
15 January 2009 @ 02:49 pm
My name is Ali Salisbury, I'll ruin your life. I've ruined everything I've touched so I wouldn't think that your life is anything different. I'm here to fuck you up in any and everyway possible. Trust me, I'll ruin your life.

I have friends. They are the most immature people I know. They are so far up their own asses they don't see the real evil in the world. They're selfish and all they care about is stupid things like their boyfriends breaking up with them.

Hi, I'm Ali Salisbury. I know your name and I'm in love with you. I just won't do anything about it because I know you'll never love me back. I'm incapable of being loved. No one has truely loved me, and no one ever will.

I don't even know the true meaning of love. All I know is what I've heard. It's supposed to make you feel like you're on top of the world or something. Only I don't feel like I'm on top of the world. i feel like the world is on top of me. Is this love?

Hi, I'm Ali. As you know, I'm going to ruin your life. You're cute and happy, and if you want to stay that way you'd better get as far away from me as you can. Because after I'm done with you, you won't stay that way. You won't be happy at all.

No one knows the real me. A lot of people dislike me. Some people talk about me. They say I'm gay, ignorant, and really annoying. Some peolpe even made up rumors that i have gay sex all the time. But I don't. i'm a virgin. People say I'm fucked up and I'll ruin your life. Well, at least they got one thing right. I'm alone and I've never known the true meaning of love, that's all true.

I still have yet to purge today. You know aobut my disorder. I self consciously told you. I don't know if it was a good idea to tell you or not. I'd rather not eat than purge. Purging is for the weak, and baby I am the weakest of them all. I throw up blood and I love it. I fucking love it. That shit makes me feel alive.

I feel like I'm going to die. I'm never happy and it makes me think that I'm alredy dead. I'm hollow and emtpy and I feel sorta like my faith. I have no faith. I dont believe in anything anymore. I was once the greatest being of all time. Now I just exist. I'm a random constuction of cells.

my head hurts. Everything hurts. My heart hurts. My bones hurt. I'm always hurting. Pain is my life. But I guess, that's okay. At least I know I'm still capeable of feeling. Pain is a way of letting you know you can still feel. And makes you wish you couldn't.

I'm fucked up, we all know this. One mintute i'M laughing and the next I'm crying. I never seem to be one constant thing. Notihng in my life is constant.
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if the risk is worth it, but no one does. I'm trying to reach this perfection that will never come. I know it will never come and yet I still try sooo hard. I'm fighting for control that I'm going to break on a whim and keep on breaking. I'll probably never even get the control the the fight will have been useless in the end. When I get to my goal weight I'm going to keep on purging just to see how far I can run before someone chases after me.

Is it worth it? It is worth isolating myself from everyone just so I can self destruct quietly without anyone worrying? Well, maybe when I'm done self destructing, after I've torn everything down, torn myself apart, ripped my life apart, burned bridges, I can go somewhere and start again. Will I ever start again? Or will it jsut be some sort of fake new life?


My disorder has taken over my life. My disorder has become my life. My disorder is my life. The minute I thought about purging for th first time, it was stuck with me. It's with me until the end. Maybe the risk is worth it, because I've learned to discover that isolating myself has become the best tihng for me.

Maybe I'm not sick. Maybe I'm just different.


I wish I could unzip my skin and take it off
Just to take a walk but I can't do it
I don't think I'll make it on my own
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if the risk is worth it, but no one does. I'm trying to
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if the risk is worth it, but no one
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if the risk is worth
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if the risk
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know if
 
 
SIDELINE HOES
14 January 2009 @ 10:57 pm
I missed school today. I wasn't exactly sick, but I just didn't go. I've had a really bad earache for a month and it keeps getting worse. It's really lame. So I just didnt go. I could have gone, but chose not to. So I slept until noon and didnt do anything all day today.

I prurged once but it wasnt anything great. stll almost nothing came up. But it was still better than nothing. I at least tried to get something to come up. So yesterday I told Nick about my diorder. He was really cool with it. He didnt judge or try to give me shitty ass advice that i wouldn't want or listen to. He just told me that he didn't like what I did but that he had no room to judge and that he ad no place to tell me to stop seeing as it wasnt any of his buisnes. I actaully like him a lot more now because he didnt give me advice that I didn't want.

the thing is, I know I'm risking everything and im totally fine with that. I don't even know
 
 
 
 

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